I might be opening up a can of worms today, but I'm going to do it anyways. My question for you is "Is it ok to spank your kids?" When I was little, my parents spanked me as a form of discipline. I can remember 2 distinct times that I was spanked. It hurt my feelings way more than it hurt me physically. However, it set the precedent that if I did something wrong, spanking was a possible consequence. I have to say that it was an effective discipline technique. All my mom or dad had to do was start counting and I knew that I better stop what ever I was doing or else I might get spanked. On a side note, I never knew what number my parents were counting to (10, 5, 3?) so by the time they got to 2, I made sure I was done being bad. Pretty smart on their part. Because of my experience growing up, I was pretty convinced that it is ok to spank your child.
However, recently I have begun to rethink my position. Harper has started to smack my hand if she doesn't like what I am asking her to do. For instance, if I take the TV remote away from her, she throws a mini temper tantrum and will smack my hand. When she does this, I immediately tell her "No hitting." It has occurred to me that telling her that it is inappropriate to hit is in direct contradiction to the idea of me spanking her (I haven't actually had to spank her yet, just thinking ahead for when the situation presents itself).
What do you guys think? If done in a loving and controlled way, is it ok to occasionally spank?
8 comments:
This is a hard one. When my kids were younger, I did spank them. But when they started hitting and I told them "no hitting" I stopped. How could I tell them no hitting, when I was in essence hitting them. I don't want my children to obey because they are afraid I will hit them, I want them to obey because they love me and trust that I know what is best for them and then in turn they will love and trust God.
I think there are better ways to handle discipline.
I have found that whatever discipline technique you decide to use it simply has to work for the child. For you the possibility of corporal punishment was enough to correct undesirable or dangerous behavior. That may also be the case for Harper. For many children "time out" or redirection is all that is needed, and still for other children a combination of several techniques is needed.
It may be a little early to actually spank Harper, but I feel like for some children it is a viable form of discipline.
You raise a great question. Is it okay? Probably, when not done out of anger, and presented the right way, sure. But the question is, is it necessary? It reminds of the verse that says that some things are permissible but not beneficial. Torin is about to turn 8 and I have had to spank him about 2 times. Time outs, loss of priviledges, and let's not forget plenty of PRAISE and encouragement when he does something right has always worked just fine. He's a pretty good kid.
At Harper and Levi's age, they really aren't all that ready to start listening to directions that well. They're thinking "she said no, but I can still do it" until they figure out that no, they can't. I think the best thing to do now is just to remove them from the situation..sort of a modified time out. I find that pisses him off plenty. :)
I think spanking cultivates resentment, however small and does not convey mutual respect between parent and child. There are plenty of ways to say "I love you and respect you as a person, but I am the authority and that behavior is not okay" without spanking.
So I keep it on the back-burner as a last-resort. One of these littler ones just might test us to the point that we have to pull out the big guns.
-Erin Hull
Now you know I just can't let this one go. I read all of the responses after I read your post.
Our kids were spanked. Not often and typically as only a last resort but yes, they were spanked. Spanking from anger stinks but I can say that I have been guilty of swatting the leg of one of my children when aggravated by him or her. However, if you say you aren't going to spank your children then that removes the possibility that you will ever spank them in anger. So there's that.
But, just because you aren't going to spank them doesn't mean you might not otherwise react with something punitive, or yes, even hurtful, in anger. Like, "You're grounded for a year." Have fun enforcing that one.
Now on to a couple of points in your blog Elaine. First of all, one of your commentors who is not against spanking per se, indicates that spanking denegrates the "mutual respect" between parent and child. Respectfully, I take issue with this. Reason being: Kids love their parents and respect their parents because (hopefully)there exists a nurturing, loving, authoritative dynamic. Parents respect their kids from a different perspective. We respect our children as humans, not because of anything a child "brings" to the child/parent relationship. Said another way, when hear or read the term "mutual respect" I infer a situation where two people choose to respect each other based on a mutual relationship. I guess I just don't see the parent/child dynamic in that fashion. Consequently, judicious discipline (spanking or whatever) shouldn't threaten respect between parent and child.
Finally, I do not place spanking under the heading of hitting. Splitting hairs, perhaps. But don't go so far as to think Harper (or any other relatively bright child) can't make the distinction between the two. She can and she will. Unless you're smacking her willy-nilly, it's not hitting. Spanking, corporal punishment, is a big deal. Not to be taken lightly - much as you illustrate you didn't when your parents had to resort to spanking. It does hurt the feelings. The feelings created are ones that most kids don't want to repeat.
So we're back to spanking, if adminsitered on a reserved basis, not only doesn't damage most kids but can be effective.
I am not going to weigh in on this per se, as I am a total chicken on an open forum such as this. I will, however, relate an item that I heard when my oldest was a baby. I heard Dr. Dobson, (whom I definitely do not agree with in all matters, but still have a great deal of respect for him and value his opinion.) read a question from a listener. The question was simple: Which form of discipline do you think is the best?
His answer was equally as simple: The best form of discipline is spending massive amounts of time with your children. Over the years, this develops into a great deal of mutual respect.
It was not the answer that I expected from him, but one that I have found to be a great cornerstone for any form of discipline that we chose to enforce.
I go back and forth on this one...we have spanked. With our third, I would like to avoid it. For different reasons. One thing that I was going to say, and then read it also in another comment, is that spanking and hitting are not the same thing. Hitting is an angry, often out-of-control reaction, while spanking (I believe when done in a way that the child knows what is expected, knows what will happen if the expectation isn't met-misbehaving, disobeying-, is measured, and is followed by asking for forgiveness, giving it, prayer) is not an angry reaction but a thoughtful, and directive, and leading back to right relationship. Hebrews 12 speaks to this issue some. Having said all that, I still think you have to evaluate your own situation/personality/child and decide what is best for your family. I really liked what the commenter said about Dobson, and loving your child. That's good, a no-brainer, but sometimes it feels hard! When they're pushing all those buttons, and stepping outside of the boundaries. The heartache of being a parent...it's a good thing there are joys to balance it out!
We felt like it was OK to spank our kids when they were deliberately disobeying us. My oldest kid (who is now 12), we had to spank once. My youngest who is 8, I can't recall ever spanking. My very strong-willed middle child (who is now 9) was the only one who (at the time), I felt really needed a good spanking...a lot of good spankings! Ironically, we could not spank her! She would not submit to a spanking! I tried to literally force her to submit and ended up wrestling her to the ground when she was like 3 years old! I still couldn't really spank her because I had to hold her down with both hands. It was ridiculous and awful. We finally found out we could take away TV and that was effective. I recently read a book by Danny Silk called "Loving Our Kids On Purpose." I so wish I had this book when Sarah was little. I think I would have avoided so many mistakes I made with her. I would recommend it to any parent.
Thanks everyone for your candid comments.
Fran- Your's made me laugh out loud!
Post a Comment